KATIE & Sarah in:
  RAIDERS OF THE LOST AARDVARK
“You WHAT?” Yelled Katie into the phone. She was fuming with anger.
“I- I- , it was an accident!” Came the reply.
“You LOST Mr Harris’s aardvark??!!”
“I was looking for my slippers! It just appeared to have disappeared with no trace of appearance!”
“Well you’d better go get it back, you moron!”
“I don’t know where it is! I told you, I lost it!”
“Well find it! Now!”
“But…..but…….. David Blaine….”
Click

It had been an odd, and frankly rather insane day on Earth. It had all started off with a huge lot of people waking up, and an even huger amount of people staying in bed. But the odd thing about it was not that, but this: the sky was purple.
Why was the sky purple? Who knows, but it would be a pretty good guess to say it had something to do with Lily.
“Mwa ha ha ha ha!”
Yes, you guessed it, that was the evil cackle of the evil bitch monster of death herself.
“Mwa ha ha ha ha! After my successful attempt to turn the sky purple, I…..”
“Err…… Lily?” 
“Yes, Alicia, oh snakey necked one?”
“Why did you turn the sky purple?”
“That is not the point. The point is that I did it, and am now the most incredible person in the entire world!” 
She accompanied this sentence with a loud set of trumpet blasts from the Royal trumpeters, who she had stolen from Buckingham Palace just last week.
“Anyway,” Lily continued, “as I was saying. After my successful attempt to turn the sky purple, I am now planning on destroying Katie and Sarah forever! They have ruined my evil schemes for the last time. Now they must die! Mwa ha ha ha ha!”
“Err….. Lily?”
“Yes?”
“What about the aardvark?”
“What aardvark?”
“The one Mr Richards is currently singing Pavarotti to….”
“Oh, that aardvark!”

Now we head back to Sarah.


Sarah strutted chicken-style down the road. This was for some insane reason that the author does not know, but anyway, she was strutting down the road in search of Mr Harris’s aardvark.
“Here Hubert! Here Hooey Hooey!”
As she was doing this, several policemen passed giving her strange looks. However, not very many people gave her strange looks as they were too busy wondering why the sky was purple, and what the hell someone had hoped to achieve by turning the sky purple.
“Hubert! Hub hub hub! Slippers! Buy your slippers here! No, no wait…. Aardvarks! Buy your aardvarks here! No, no…… that’s not right…… Here Hooey! Hubert!”
A passing llama gave her an odd look. God knows why the llama was passing. Maybe it felt like it.
A mile or so down the road, Sarah spotted something odd. It was large and egg-shaped, painted a crude shade of aubergine and was sitting on the pavement whistling the theme tune from Happy Days. And Sarah wasn’t imagining it.
The large object was surrounded by police with machine guns and sniffer dogs, and George Bush was leaning out the window of a helicopter brandishing a large megaphone.
“Come out of the egg immediately, we have you surrounded! We have reasons to believe you are in possession of chemical and biological weapons, and whether you have or not we are going to blow you up anyway! Surrender so that we can drop a daisy-cutter on you!”
“What daisies?” Asked Sarah.
Tony Blair suddenly peered out of the helicopter, wearing nothing but a revolving bow-tie. 
“And I have not sexed up any dossiers!” He yelled.
“What dossiers?” Sarah yelled back.
“These dossiers!” Yelled Tony Blair.
“What the hell is a dossier?” Yelled Sarah.
 “Don’t ask me!” Yelled Tony Blair, before returning to his original position at George Bush’s feet.
Being yelled at by immature politicians was really not helping Sarah find the aardvark, and so she decided to find herself a giant singing pogo stick (for some obscure reason Rowan Payne was selling them at the side of the road in a lime-green tutu) and bounce her way over the crowd into the giant Happy Days whistling thing. 
And that is exactly what she did.
Despite many protests from a couple of old ladies on Zimmer frames who got  squished in the process, and a large amount of gunfire, the operation went quite smoothly and Sarah disappeared inside the giant egg-shaped thing.
Only to find herself staring down the double-barrels of three large shotguns. All being held - and don’t ask me how - by Alicia’s neck.
“Oh f………..”


Meanwhile, in a sunny land; no wait - it was Sunderland - Alice was sat in a small shed with Simon Potter, James Whereat and Mappykins eating cornflakes and the odd fish finger. For some reason unknown to everyone, a small ferret was bouncing up and down in the corner eating pretzels.
They were quite content with doing this when suddenly there came a knock at the door.
“Knock knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Special delivery for Alice Potter/Whereat/Mappykins?”
Alice opened the door, only to discover a large parcel wrapped in tin foil. On opening it, she discovered a large limited edition Jonny Wilkinson. How odd, she thought.
But attached to the large limited edition Jonny Wilkinson was a small, non-limited edition note, bearing the words “Penguins sack the marine Alamo”. After looking at the note more closely, she realised that it actually read “Please save our missing aardvark”. There was a large picture of a plum crumble which bore a striking resemblance to Mrs Alger. Why was that there? No-one knew.
Alice ran back inside.
“Potsley! Whereyhat! Mappykins! We must save this here aardvark! PWAM to the rescue!”
After morphing into their amazing superhero costumes which involved underwear-over-tights and a lot of spandex, they sped off towards Bath at once (that’s Bath, not a bath).


“Mwa ha ha ha ha!”
Three guesses who that evil cackle belongs to.
“You may have sent me back to the Jurassic, you may have baked my head in a pie, you may even shoot me with a thousand pea shooters - but you cannot stop me this time, Whereat! This time, Mr Richards and I will destroy you forever!”
 “Don’t forget me!” Hissed Alicia, who was firmly holding Sarah in a large pair of tongs.
“You’ll never get away with this!” Yelled Sarah.
“Ha! I can get away with anything! I even turned the sky purple!”
“Why did you do that, again?” Asked Alicia.
“I told you before, you numbskull! The point is that I did it!”
“I thought it was always purple….” Muttered Sarah.
In case you’re wondering where Mr Richards came into all this, may I point your attention to a large, leather swivel chair that was sitting in the corner, puffs of cigar smoke drifting upwards from behind it.
Oh no, Sarah though, I have left my oven on.
The swivel chair began to turn round slowly……
Verrry slowly…….


1 HOUR LATER

The swivel chair was only about a quarter of the way round, and still turning. Lily was pacing up and down while Sarah, who had got bored of waiting, was now licking her shoe and singing the theme tune to Spongebob Squarepants.
“Oh this is ridiculous!” Alicia hissed, and somehow grabbed the chair with her neck and spun it round.
“Oh, hello! I really need to grease this swivel-y thing….”
“Matty! We have guests…” Said Lily.
“What? Oh them. Crap. Err….. shall we just pretend I said something like “I expect you to die!” or something, ok?”
“Ahh. Mr Richards. Ahh.” Sarah said.
“Just one thing I don’t understand. Why did you turn the sky purple, Lily my love?”
“SHUT UP ABOUT THE F-ING SKY ALREADY!!!”
“Just asking….”


Alice, Potter, Whereat (the fit one) and Mappykins were zooming up the street on PWAM super hover scooters, often more commonly known as Trottinettes-du-Space. They whizzed past buildings, trees, and many people staring at the sky still wondering why the hell it was purple. When they came to the giant Happy Days whistling egg, Alice knew it was the right place.
“Gang! We’ve got to save Mr Harris’s aardvark! And fast! Simon, please stop kissing me, I do enjoy it but we really do have to go…. Well alright, maybe just a little longer!”
So for about five minutes Alice snogged her husband until Rowan Payne leaned out of his Pogo Stick Hut and shouted:
“Oi! Get a room luvvy!” And then went back to polishing his trousers.
“Err…right! Yes, PWAM to the rescue!”
Ignoring George Bush, the team bounded into the egg.
Insofar as it is possible to bound when wearing a skin-tight spandex cat suit.


Lily cackled menacingly as Sarah screamed.
“Arrrrrrrrrghhhh! Not the bunny costume! Anything but that!!!!!!”
The terror was slowly driving her sane. She couldn’t take much more of this…
“Never fear, Whereat is here!”
“Err…” said Sarah, “we kinda already know that…”
“Not you! Me! The fit one!”
“Not forgetting me, Mappykins and my Potter!” Yelled Alice, speeding into the room doing a kamikaze death kick and destroying an innocent lampshade. Mr Richards looked up from marking Katie’s geography homework with an F (there was nothing wrong with it, this was his idea of revenge) and then fell over backwards in slow motion shock.
“Hurrah!” Shouted Sarah, leaping up from her chair and dancing an Irish Jig. “Hooray! Hooray for Pencils, Wigwam, Andrew and Muddyshins!”
Everyone looked at her sarcastically.
“Muddyshins?” Asked Mr Mapstone, offended.
“Aardvark!” Said Sarah, pointing.
“Bloody hell!” Yelled Mr Richards, rotating.
“Slurp!” Slurped Alice, snogging.
“Get me out of here!” Tried the Huber the aardvark….errr…. being an aardvark.
“Right! I’ve had enough of this! First you criticise my turning the sky purple, and then you have the cheek to walk in on my torturing people! You’re going down, Alice!”
And, from nowhere, Lily and Alicia pulled out Mach-4 SuperBlast machine guns. And pointed them straight at the gang.
“My slippers!” Sarah gulped.


PWAM (plus Sarah and a stray aardvark) dived behind some nearby furniture to escape the shower of bullets that was currently raining down on them. Feathers flew everywhere.
“Take that you buggers!” Shrieked Lily hysterically.
Suddenly there was knock on the door.
“Knock knock!”
“Who could that be?” Lily asked.
“Special delivery! One chocolate covered Johnny Depp to go!”
Alice fainted with happiness.
“What???!” Screeched Lily as she was hit in the face by a giant cream pie, which Sarah had apparently bought from James Voakes who had set up a stall next to Rowan’s.
Then there was chaos. Stuff was flying everywhere; pillows, chocolate, pies, aardvarks……
“Oops! Wasn’t meant to throw the aardvark!”
Lily and Alicia, having been distracted by the delivery, were now rolling on the floor being pelted with food and crying.
And then the egg exploded.


The explosion was heard a few miles away. A lot of people stopped craning their necks at the sky to look, but soon got bored. One man, however, was a little confused when a large aardvark landed on his head.
“Huuey?” Said Mr Harris. “What are you doing here?”


The gang were running away from the exploding egg (or rather bouncing, on Rowan’s pogo sticks). They bounced into the River Avon and collapsed, panting for breath.
“Did we win? Did we win?” Asked Sarah, still bouncing on the water against the laws of physics.
“Well, at least there’s no more Lily.” Replied Alice.
“Mmmf! I’m here!” Cried Lily, swimming to the surface. “You were standing on me!”
“If I’m standing on you…. Where’s my Mappykins?”
Mr Mapstone waved from Pulteney Bridge. Apparently he had missed the river and hit the cake cafe, and was currently enjoying some tea and crumpets. 
Sarah took one look at Lily and hit her over the head with a passing trout.
“Ow! You’ll regret that! Urgle blurgle…” Lily sunk to the bottom.
“Yay! Now we won!”
“At least all’s well that ends well.” Said Alice as she clambered out.
Sarah looked up to the sky.
“Argh! It’s purple!”
“Pfft.” Said Alice. “It can stay that way.” So PWAM and Sarah walked off, slightly dripping, into a purple sunset.

THE END

Meanwhile, a rather confused camel watched as a geography teacher hit the sand in the middle of the Sahara. The camel walked over, spat on him and then walked away.
“Screw this.” Said Mr Richards. And he fainted.

THE OTHER END